My Life & Our Marriage In The Last Year

This post doesn't come easy to write, in fact it's been one I've been putting off for a while now.  To be completely honest I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to write this because where I am and we are now is far from where we were a little over a year ago.

I've talked about my health and what's been going on with that in the last couple of years and so thankful to be feeling like myself again, in case you missed it, you can read that post here.

Since I never really touched based on the struggles that came on last Summer for me and my marriage, I'm finally in a place where I can talk about it and not feel overwhelmed by the words and emotions that come flooding back.  

Truth is, we were on the verge of divorce.  But before I get into more of that, in retrospect of what's happened we're still very much in the process of healing.  No marriage is ever perfect but when you truly love and respect your spouse, things seem to come together easier and that's not to say that sometimes hard times are inevitable.  Nothing worth having comes easy and definitely takes time.

My husband and I met in high school and had our two children fairly young not to mention, we had no clue what we were getting ourselves into really, but none the less we loved each other and knew we'd make it work one way or another.  It hasn't been an easy road, partially because growing up, both of us did not have the best examples of marriage we would have hoped for.  Therefore we didn't have the coping skills of dealing with relationship stress. 

Though growing up was probably better or easier for my husband in some ways than myself, I for one have always been very guarded.  I've always been afraid of being hurt and have put a strong front when it's come to our relationship.  I was determined or knew I'd be okay as a parent with or without my husband if things didn't work out therefore vulnerability for me didn't feel as an option.  

We didn't marry right away, in fact we have been together for 21 years but only have been married for 8.  Long story short, for so long our focus has been our kids, our family and our home that we stopped focusing on our relationship as just the two of us.  We forgot the reasons of why we fell in love in the first place, we forgot how to date, we stopped complimenting each other and appreciating each other.  We thought it was best to pretend than to talk about our problems.  We stopped being vulnerable with each other and instead pretended nothing was wrong and no one was hurt.  Eventually my husband became very guarded as well.  We started to believe that eventually it would get better or we'd get over it and move forward.  What we didn't realize was that eventually our kids were going to grow up and stop needing us and being the buffer between us two and our pretend feelings were eventually going to come flooding out in other hurtful ways.

At one point I fell out of love with my husband or so I thought, and soon realized that it had everything to do with how disconnected we were.  I'd talk to my husband about it and ask to go to therapy but he refused to admit anything was wrong and instead would place the blame on me and my resentful attitude.  Which eventually caused him to disconnect as well. 

We were struggling to find the good in each other again to say the least yet still going on with life.  Don't get me wrong we were still living life as a family and we had more good days than bad, but as we were becoming empty nesters per say the realization was becoming more real.  Truth is I had been sad and angry and of course my husband was clearly feeling the same. We just weren't dealing with those feelings as we should have or communicating with each other like we should have because we didn't really know how without being defensive.

So last Summer the realization that we were spending less time together, feeling further apart than ever, feeling bitter, it finally tore us apart and my husband made a heartbreaking decision.  He decided it would be best to leave and give us time apart.  Truth is I agreed at first, I thought it would be best to have some time apart.  But then he started to bring up divorce and talking about how hopeless he felt about our future together.

Eventually I realized I needed to do something or I'd lose him forever.  I took the initiative of seeking help for the both of us.  The support was there from friends and family but we needed professional help to guide us in some direction.  Thankfully marriage counseling gave us some of the tools we'd been in need of for such a long time and eventually started family therapy which we still do now.

Though therapy is not for everyone and we're still seeking help in other useful ways than just one, we're doing it together now.  When we started therapy back in October of 2018 I wasn't sure where we'd end up and it almost seemed like we were far from saving.  But the truth is, God had other plans and prayers were answered.  We're still in the process of healing and learning how to love and appreciate each other again in ways we never have.  Because we didn't know how.

It's crazy how much we both had no clue about when it came to a relationship let alone a marriage.  Truth is, you could never know enough when it comes to making a marriage work.  Even my anxiety has been so much better now that I have taught myself through therapy, through reading and through self care.  I am more focused on myself now than I've ever been in order to be a better ME, a better mom, a better wife, sister, friend...a better ME overall.

Mr. CCB has also been very focused on being a better him and being a much better husband and father and we're very hopeful for the future.  We have been dating again like we used to back in the day before we had our daughter and making sure we listen to each other and have become friends again because we were best friends before we'd forgotten how to be vulnerable with each other.  Opening our hearts and being vulnerable with each other has made all the difference and we're looking forward to celebrating yet another year of marriage this October.  And celebrating a milestone to the healing of our marriage as we were facing a completely different direction almost a year ago.

It wasn't easy and though I didn't go into all the details of the real struggle and healing, but no matter how hard it's been it's also a road we were willing to go through together for all the right reasons.  Our family of course, but for each other.  I can now say that I've fallen in love with my husband again and I'm looking forward to a happier marriage and being better together.

I hope this resonates with some of you in any similar situations or helps you seek the appropriate help for your marriage or relationship if needed.  

Truth is I took a risk without knowing the outcome but as afraid as I was I also needed to be brave for us.  

Thank you all for stopping by and please feel free to ask or leave any comments below.

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